Flirting Like A Gherkin

I’m never going to be one of these people who can walk up to someone and start talking to them. Be them female or male, for platonic reasons or otherwise, it’s just never going to happen. I can sit in the pub with my friends and happily spot someone good looking, comment upon this matter, maybe have a quick stare and leave it at that. I will go home and make myself believe that it’s fine that I didn’t go up and speak to him because in reality what would that have achieved?  Social embarrassment for me and a good laugh for everyone else in my local, I’m sure.  However I seem to have managed to be friends with the only people in the world who can spot someone they like, play the whole “Oh he won’t like me” act and then go up and get his number!?!?!

WHAT IS THIS!?!?! Did I miss the lesson when Miss Watts taught us how to trap a man?

It’s not just that they can build up the confidence to physically get up and say hi, but then get a whole conversation going. About proper stuff. Proper, interesting, funny stuff! I am almost positive that if I went up to a guy and said ‘hi’ I would quickly do a little Inbetweener’s dance, show him my Honey Monster impression and quickly run away in the opposite direction. What can you talk to someone about if you have only just met him, have no mutual friends and might not even be from the same town. I have thought about it again and again and again and come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can talk about. That’s it! The final answer, no more to it. Oh, but there is!

Last Friday I went to the pub for the first time in ages, hoping it would end up with me extremely drunk and staggering home, which it did. Even then after consuming plenty of “Sex on the Beach”, wine and cider I just couldn’t build up the courage to talk to anyone who I thought to be quite good looking, even getting paranoid over someone looking at me. (What if he recognises me from somewhere and I don’t know him, what if I did something stupid in front of him once and he is laughing at me!!!??!!! Hide!) Eventually my friend says she has seen someone good looking and does the whole “oh he won’t like me” act as mentioned earlier, and asks me to get his number for her. Now even this I can’t do, I mean what if he thinks the number is for me, takes one look at me and laughs and I then have to spend the next few minutes explaining how it wasn’t for me and actually for my friend and thus digging myself into an even deeper hole. This would not be good and so I handed the task over to my other friend who ran over without hesitation.

I don’t know if it was the fact that he had actually given her his number, or if it was the fact the he looked ridiculously similar to Ryan Gosling (AKA Mr Gorgeous Drawers himself) but somehow she managed to talk to him.  Creating a whole 10 minute conversation about cars and shops, trivial stuff that would not even jump into my head.  They then parted company early in the night to see if they could get anyone else. I think I was so amazed by what had just happened in front of my very own eyes that if my mate had managed to get anyone else’s number my mind would have literally blown!

Anyway needless to say I staggered home with a distinct lack of numbers in my phone, as usual, and one guy thinking I had slapped him on the arse (which I can assure you I didn’t) and even then when he turned round giving me a jokey smile and a wink all I could bring myself to do was violently shake my head and deny all charges of arse touching.

A little bit of dutch courage still not helping with the nerves!

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